Kinnaman Cat Presumed Dead After Days of Searching

Authorities called off the search today for the Kinnaman family cat and have presumed him dead after four whole days of searching.  Patches Kinnaman, affectionately known as Patchkins, Mr. Kitty, and “that damn fat cat,” was reported missing by his best friend, Einstein the dog, shortly after noon on Saturday.

“I was just outside jumping up and down, playing with sticks, and doing a thorough ‘marking’ of the perimeter of the Kinnaman estate when I noticed my compatriot Patches was missing,” Einstein said.

Patches began “working” for the Kinnaman Department of Homeland Security sometime around 1998. Nursing injuries from a previous tour of duty (getting his rear paw stepped on repeatedly), Patches came with a bandage around his hind foot, earning him his famous name.

As a young private in the department, Patches trained under Major Doodles Elwood Kinnaman. His rigorous training included learning how to climb trees without front claws, catching chipmunks, and guarding the homestead from the neighborhood raccoon affectionately known as “El Bandito.”

When Major Doodles died in battle, Patches was promoted to the position of Major serving alongside Colonel Hyden Vulcan. However, due to Colonel Hyden’s health complications, Major Patches took over as Colonel for the Kinnaman Department of Homeland Security shortly after Hyden’s death in 2007.

Under his watch, the Kinnaman estate stayed chipmunk-free and mouse-free. Just months before his disappearance, Patches granted an interview with this very news outlet in which he detailed one of his proudest moments:

“There was one particular time when the Major Doodles and I were guarding the Kinnaman compound. We noticed that our food kept getting eaten, night after night. So Major Doodles and I planned a stake-out. I was just a young private, scared out of my nine lives. Major Doodles took the rear, sitting in Master Kinnaman’s favorite patio chair, while I sat on the roof of the dog house waiting for the perps to show up. All of the sudden, this big fat momma raccoon shows up and tries to take our food, so we just jumped out of her and scared the crap out of that raccoon. We laughed so hard we felt like one of the LOLcatz. Afterwards we drank some warm milk and had the best cat nap this side of heaven.”

Colonel Patches will be fondly remembered, he used up every last one of his nine lives in his final days. In the summer months he would do a security check of the shed while Master Kinnaman would be mowing the lawn and end up getting locked-in until his absence was noticed.

In his final days Patches enjoyed nothing more than sitting on the back porch with Masters Kreig and Eric, taking in the second-hand smoke of Marlboros while having his belly rubbed.

Colonel Patches is survived by his Masters: Ron, Micah, Kreig, Kiel and Eric Kinnaman. Step-brothers include Einstein the Dog, Spot the Turtle, Isaac the Parrot, Milo Tiel, and Petey the Dumb Dog. Cousins include Cheese, Crackers, and Precious. He was also well loved by GrandDad’s bird, Willie Hicks.

He is preceded in death by Hyden Vulcan Kinnaman, Doodles Elwood Kinnaman, and Clyde the Lovebird.

Memorial contributions can be made in Patches memory to the “Felines for the Ethical Treatment of Mice” foundation.