The Voice of Truth: Overcoming Fears

I don’t know how many of you know this about me, but I have an anxiety disorder, some doctors have even classified it as agoraphobia. I have come to dislike these terms because often times we allow terms to define us. I was first diagnosed in high school, right after my parents’ divorce. I guess you could say that my “security blanket” (aka my parents) had been pulled away from me and was left feeling like I had no control… over anything. In order for me to have any feeling of control was to be in charge.

And that was difficult. Because as it turns out, I really can’t control that much. I can, to an extent, control the situations I put myself in… but that’s about it.

I made baby-steps of progress in my recovery throughout high school and got a little better year after year, but I didn’t feel like I was making the drastic changes I had hoped. It was my freshmen year at Ivy Tech (2002) that I decided to begin going to church again. And even though I had spent a few years in Catholic school and had a decent understanding of God, I didn’t have a close relationship with Him.

That all changed when I started going to Grace and began forming some of the most amazing friendships that I have ever known. To me, being at Grace was like being in the promised land after wandering in the desert for forty years. I began to understand who God was, who I was, and had great people around to love and support me.

In terms of my anxiety disorder, I didn’t experience a miraculous recovery. I still struggled, still worked through it, but did so in a safe environment for me.

Probably the thing that made me most anxious was traveling. I hated having panic attacks and knew that traveling was a sure trigger for one. That had to change when I met my then-girlfriend Christina, because she went to school over an hour away and if I was going to see her, I had to muster the courage to overcome my phobias.

It seems funny looking back at it, that traveling an hour northeast would make me anxious. Over those two years with Christina I noticed a lot of growth because for the first time, I had someone who was counting on me and I didn’t want to disappoint. I still had one phobia to tackle though, and that was airline travel.

Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, what?! I just want to make something clear, I have been up in small planes with my friend Jake and I actually love flying. The thing that makes me anxious is having to go to the airport, check my luggage, go through security, wait for the plane… yadda yadda. If I could just walk on that plane and take off,  you wouldn’t get any anxiety from me.

After Christina and I broke up, I began to do a little more traveling. I felt it was important for me to begin stepping out of my comfort zones and doing things that had held me back for so many years. I went to Chicago, Atlanta, Ohio… fairly small trips, but major steps in overcoming my anxiety.

This leads me to today. My Mom lives in Florida and I have been asked numerous times to come down and visit… but each time I played the anxiety card. And rightfully so, the very fact that I knew I’d have panic attacks made Florida the most unappealing place for me to be. But on Friday night I booked my first flight to Florida in over eight years. I cannot begin to tell all of you how excited I am.

For years I cried out to God asking when He’d lift this burden from me. I had felt that the anxiety disorder was a rope tied around my neck with a giant rock at the end of it. The anxiety disorder was holding me back from so many things.

I then came to realize that over the past several years as I’ve struggled with anxiety disorder, is the fact that I failed to place my trust in God. I would have panic attacks because I would be in a situation I couldn’t control. I have learned that I can’t control much of anything and that if I’m going to live a long and healthy life, I’m going to have to trust God with everything.

And that’s what I’ve done. When I booked my non-refundable flight (little anxiety there), I kept saying to myself, “I’m trusting you with this God, I’m trusting you with this God.”

I can’t say that I’ve completely overcome my anxiety disorder, but I have made great strides over the past few years. I couldn’t have done it without a loving God, my Dad who is always there for me, and my Mom who has been SO patient with me over the years. I am so thankful.

One of the songs that has stuck with me all these years has been “Voice of Truth” by Casting Crowns. I’m going to embed a video below so you can listen to it if you’d like. Perhaps these lyrics are what have stuck out to me all these years:

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
“Boy, you’ll never win,
you’ll never win.”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says “do not be afraid!”
and the voice of truth says “this is for my glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Thanks for reading.